Fight the Good Fight
by Spiritus Erroneus
Summary: Sam's headed down a bad road, and something much more powerful than Dean wants him to stop it. As if the pits of Hell weren't enough... A couple of one-shots from the boys' perspectives. Spoilers for 4.04.
1. A drop in the bucket

Disclaimers: It's all Kripke, I am not worthy. I am but a devoted disciple. Also, there are spoilers for 4.4 - fair warning.

Author's Note: This came to me in a flash after seeing In the Beginning and Metamorphosis... With all the angsty bromance going on, I needed to sort out Dean's feelings. I might follow up with one on Sam's thoughts. And fun fact: without the disclaimer and everything, it is 666 words. R&R, please.

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_Angels are watching over you, Dean._

I can't get that out of my head. It's one of the only things I remember about her, but she said that to me every night before bed. You know, before she died, I believed her. But after she was gone, when I found out the truth, I lost faith. If angels were watching over us, then why was she dead? I saw so many good people get torn apart for no reason. Where were Mom's angels then? If they existed, how could they let that much bad happen? Even if I wanted to believe, with so much going wrong, with our screwed-to-hell lives, I couldn't see how God could exist.

And then I go to hell, and I'm rotting away down there for months. This Castiel guy, he grabs me and yanks me back into my body, and I claw my way out. Why me? Why? Because Mom said so when I was little? Did she know something? Ever since '73, ever since Cass sent me back, I can't stop thinking. All I want to know is why. Sam's got this demon thing, this blood in him that gives him powers that I've seen go south before, and that scares me worse than just about anything. What Dad told me before, and now what Cass is telling me, it all means that something bad is happening to my little brother. He's the only one I've got now, maybe the only one I ever really had, and he's changing. Probably not for the better, seeing how angels are coming down to stop him. And the only thing I can think is that they brought me back, they gave me a chance to save him, but it's all getting too close and too complicated, and I feel like I'm drowning.

And I've been having these dreams, or… or memories, maybe, about Hell. I don't remember much when I wake up, just pain and fear and blood, and it hurts so bad that I can't even scream, that I'm forgetting who I am… and when I wake up, it's all there. I don't exactly remember, but I feel it, like an old wound acting up or a bad acid flashback or something, and it's like I'm paralyzed with fear, literally. I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning, but then I see Sam, and it feels like I'm drowning all over again. I've been at war with the whole world since I was a kid, and I've taken too many hits, seen too many casualties. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I just want to get in my car and drive away, maybe to Lisa Braeden's safe little suburb, and forget all about the badness and fear. But Sam's my brother, and I'm the only one who can be there to help him. Plus, I've got a mission from an angel. To save him.

Did Mom know something? Did she know what Sam was going to be, and did she somehow know that angels, real angels, would save us someday? I know it sounds crazy, and I'm grasping at straws here. It's just another question I can't answer. But I just… I feel like if I believed that she did know something, if this is all somehow part of her plan for me, I'd somehow feel better. Like everything's going to be okay. And if there's that chance, then I know there's a chance I can save Sam from whatever's inside of him. That's the only thing that matters. I've been living for this fractured, twisted, broken family my whole life. I've got nothing else. Nothing but Sam. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this demon plan have my brother. I'll go down swinging if I have to, if she's got a plan or not. She would have wanted me to be brave. So I'll be brave, Mom. I will.


	2. Between the devil and the deep blue sea

Disclaimer: They're Kripke's and CW's. I'm just playing with them.

Author's note: I felt like Sam needed a say as well... I had trouble with this one because of Sam's situation, but I think it came out all right. Please read and review! I'm going to try to write a Bobby one just to round it out, so look for that within the next week or so.

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_If I didn't know you, I'd want to hunt you._

I can't get his voice out of my head. I know he was angry, and I know he was scared, he had every right to be, but it doesn't change what he said. Hearing that from him, with that venom in his voice… It cut deep, deeper than anything Dad ever said to me, deeper than Jake's knife. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I hate the way he looks at me when he remembers that I'm a freak. I hate the doubt in his voice, and how he talks to me like I did something wrong. He doesn't understand. He can't. I've been dealing with this for over three years now, since before Jess died. It's not something I can just turn on and off. It's part of me, as much as my height or my eyes. He has no idea what it's like to hide something that's inside him because of how much it scares the people he loves. He can't imagine how hard that is. It isn't in Dean, it isn't a part of him that he can't rip away. I've been fighting it for so long because of him, and when he was gone, I finally just let myself become what I was meant to be. I thought I could control it, use it on my terms. Try to make something good out of it.

I couldn't get him back. Nothing anyone had ever heard of could. But I could get even. That's what we do, right? We sell our souls and get vengeance. Winchester family traditions. And no one was making any deals, not with me. So I used it, to hunt down demons, to find Lilith. Ruby helped, but it was always my decision. Always. I chose to do this, I chose to take the road that Dean begged me not to go down.

Everything's falling apart. Before he came back, it all felt right. I was saving people, hunting things, like he had told me to before he died. I had a new weapon, that was all, like the Colt or the knife, but it didn't kill people. So what if I went where he didn't want me to go? I was taking the curse, what Azazel had done to me, and using it to fight the army he had set free. It felt like what I was meant to do.

But then he came back. A real, live miracle, angel and all. That was all I wanted for months, just to see him, to talk to him. I thought for a while that everything would fall into place, that it would be like it used to. But I had been on my own, fighting alone, for months, and he just picked up where he left off. He didn't change. I did. And I lied to him about using my powers because of it. He caught me, and he got angry. And now there's a canyon between us and all we've got is a rope foot bridge.

But after the Rugaru, after Jack… It doesn't seem worth it anymore. He couldn't stop it. He became what he was destined to be. But it's more than that. When I woke up in that closet, I thought for a few seconds that Jack had eaten Dean just like he'd eaten Travis. And I realized that I couldn't lose him, not again. And those powers, that dangerous thing inside me, it's not worth the risk. Yeah, I might go dark side, but that's not the real threat. I'm not going to let what I am ruin what we still have, because that would be even worse than him dying again. I told him I didn't do it for him, or any angel. It was the truth. I'm not going to apologize for what I did, and I'm not going to explain myself. I did it for myself. It was my choice.


End file.
